#i seriously consider smoking like 6x a year but the cosmetic damage (yellow teeth. yellow brittle nails. whatever the hell it does to fuck
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I know I have a severe case of dematillomania and trichotillomania bc I think ab getting surgical tools like multiple times a year when I have a particularly stubborn DEEP hair
#marquilla#i need: localized anesthetic. tiiiiiny scalpel. tiiiiiny hemostats. tiiiiny clamps. okay mostly i want a scalpel#ive thought ab using an exacto blade more than once. only thing stopping me is the probability of hitting an artery or blood vessel :/#it's too high. my fear of blood is severely diminished when im digging out a hair but it comes back when i see a gush from digging too far#well the pain also stops me i should add that. but mostly the blood vessel thing#i know i have a severe case but i dont intend on stopping bc none of the suggested coping mechanisms and alternatives help me#listen man it's this or smoking. i need something and this does less damage to my body#i can have a little self destructive coping mechanism as a treat#it'd be drinking if i could stomach alcohol. too self aware/cheap to do drugs. seriously consider smoking hence why this is my alternative#and why i dont talk to my therapists ab it anymore. and im too not poor but uhhh financially aware? to gamble#like ive gambled at carnivals lol and my mom will play this one game for hours if we let her (which is funny bc throughout my childhood the#guy running that booth every year was our neighbor we had beef with. we preteneded to not know each other during the carnival agsgdgdggd#i seriously consider smoking like 6x a year but the cosmetic damage (yellow teeth. yellow brittle nails. whatever the hell it does to fuck#up your skin) are more heavy deterrents than the health aspects. also im cheap and hate the smell of smoke sgdgdggd so lucky me huh?#so i need SOME unhealthy coping mechanism so this is better than the other options. besides this is KEEPING me from those so..
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